I Think My Pussy Is Broken
“I’m going to pick up my kittens from the foster parents this weekend,” I share with anticipated excitement.
“You should get a dog instead due to your co-dependency issues. It will speed up the process of you moving through some of these issues if you want to be in a romantic relationship ”, replied my white male therapist.
My heart sank as I immediately internalized the shame of making an incorrect life choice. Was he right? Am I doomed to be single forever because I am choosing to adopt cats instead of a dog?
Will my co-dependency challenges that I have been working to heal for the past six years be impeded by this one life choice? Am I going backward?
The rest of the afternoon was internal torture. My brain felt like the capitol building on January 6th being stormed by Trump supporters dressed in bear skins. I lay buried on my couch under blankets, feeling tender and untrustworthy of myself. The opposite of what I would like to feel after therapy. Side note: I’m no longer in that relationship.
The truth is-It has been a few years since I have been intimate with someone. It’s easy for me to get distracted with life and my ambitious visions. Avoid getting close to someone as the relationships I engaged with in the past were short-lived or took years off my life.
I needed a different kind of professional help. A different kind of help than I was used to receiving through therapy, psychedelics, or 12-step recovery. My intuition kept guiding me to get curious. Who could assist me in nurturing my sexual relationship with myself without feeling the need to engage it exclusively with another person relationally?
I don’t like having sex with strangers, and I want to take my time getting to know someone slowly while dating. At the same time, I have deep desires to turn myself on at a deeper level.
A vision started bubbling up within me, and I began googling “sex coaches”, and “somatic sex workers,” and I found limited resources. I couldn’t quite articulate what I wanted, but I could feel the connection to safety and nurturing I was looking for in my body as the shame began to subside.
The next day, I sat in the treatment room of my acupuncturist, who also happens to be a sex and fertility coach. She is a dream to work with. I explained how I was feeling and what I wanted to explore within myself.
“I just feel disconnected from my body. The specific part of my body that craves, desires, and wants pleasure. I have been uncovering parts of her in dance class, and I want to go deeper. I want to be able to trust myself in my body, and I want to work with a man who is not my partner on these issues.
Can I hire someone to be my surrogate sex partner?”
I couldn’t believe the words that were spilling out of my mouth. My acupuncturist had a bold grin of admiration and support on her face.
“I’ve got the guy for you. His name is Rahi. He’s not your person romantically, so I don’t foresee any issues in that department. He is very safe, and his practice is dedicated to helping women come into somatic sexual wholeness. This is a big deal, Katie. I am so proud of you for listening to what your body is desiring”.
I had no idea what the hell somatic sexual wholeness was, but I was willing to try anything. It couldn’t be any more intimidating than five days of ayahuasca in the jungles of Columbia at age 35 or entering into my first lesbian relationship at 37.
I went to Rahi’s website and immediately felt relaxed. Testimonial after testimonial of women coming back into their bodies and feeling safe and empowered to receive and clearly communicate their desires. I emailed Rahi, and we set up an initial phone call to discuss my sexual history and fear-based challenges I was facing in my avoidance. At this point, I was going to hand over the reins to life and allow it to lead, and I was ready.