30-Day Experiment in Exposure

Today begins a new journey. Writing for thirty minutes and pushing the publish button.

I am excited about the rawness of this practice. I don’t know where my fingers will move along the keyboard and that is ok. It reminds me of the lessons I recently learned surfing for the first time. I lied. It wasn’t the first time, but the first time was about 25 years ago, and I am cringing that I can even say “25 years ago”.

While surfing, I got on my board, I paddled out and my only choice was to learn to become comfortable with the inertia and power behind me and move with it. No matter how much I wanted to have control, I didn’t. I am at the wave’s mercy. The waves can be small, or they can be big. The tide can be strong or weak. Every day, every hour is different. Regardless, I went out and tried to catch a wave and continually refine my skills. I got better at harnessing my power on the board, and the waves were able to stay wild.

In life, I am a perfectionist. I want to nail whatever difficult thing I am trying to do every single time. I want control. I fool myself into thinking I have control. I can often judge myself harshly if it’s not exact. When I learned how to surf, I had to offer my coping mechanisms to the ocean and dissolve. Sometimes I caught a wave, and sometimes I didn’t. I got flipped over and smacked in the face with water and bruises and rashes to prove it. I got pummeled by waves, and I just got back on my board and paddled out. I didn’t feel judgment towards myself. I didn’t feel like a failure. I was having fun. There was no time or energy available for shame. Complete presence at the moment was non-negotiable. After two hours of practice, it was time for a break.

A sacred pause, if you will.

Time for reflection and rest for my muscles that have not been utilized in this capacity. I needed to eat and be filled up in a different way. I needed time to laugh and relax and just be.

Why do I not allow this to be my standard of operating in life?

Can I get away with treating every life school event that is new with as much grace as I did when I was getting back up on my board?

I am willing to try.

As a woman, I have ingrained in myself that in order to have any value, I have to get it perfect and perfect the first time.

I have to live by standards set by someone else otherwise, I am canceled.

Please cancel me.

Because if living a soft life with my own standards of who gets access to the overflowing garden I am creating is offering a life beyond my wildest dreams, then cancel me NOW.
I create my own standards and so do you.

I allow the waves of life to crash into me, onto me, and through me.
I will continue to refine my life skills, my words, and my embodiment of the truest life I can as an artist and a writer.

Most importantly, I will continue to take pauses in between to enjoy it.