Finding my Orgasmic Rhythm
The sun cast an amber-yellow glow through the floor-to-ceiling wall of glass windows. The light feels familiar, yet my body senses confusion as the layout of Rahi's living room is different. The futon that I usually sit on when we catch up is not there.
The treatment table is in the living room, and I feel uncomfortable knowing there is a change to the typical protocol of my session. My brain has been trained to arrive, receive tea, catch up from last session on the specific futon that I have chosen, and then move into the adjacent room with a door and familiarities.
The living room feels vast and exposed, whereas the small treatment room is a safe cocoon where I am hidden from the world. The popcorn ceiling and the neighboring apartment facade have become a solace in the storm of my emotions.
I do not communicate my fear of a new experience to Rahi. While learning to speak my truth is what I am here to expose, old patterns can resurface before they are ready to be fully released.
We catch up as I sit on the steam box, and I share experiences of a few first dates here in LA. Being new to dating in LA feels like walking through a carnival of clowns disguised as a Sunset Calvin Klein billboard ad. I have gained a PHD level of discernment as I sift through the endless number of struggling actors and comedians. There are consistent thoughts of, “Maybe I should go back to dating women again”.
I am out of my element, and Instagram is only providing me with limited education. Coming from DC, everyone is serious. Serious about their career, their essential title, and the work they are doing in the world. LA is allergic to seriousness, which is what my personality desperately needed. I hear from multiple female acquaintances, “Don't date actors. They do not know who they are because they spend their lives pretending to be everyone else. They must have multiple jobs to keep afloat, and none of them are stable.”
Most of the time, I feel like I'm going through more of an initiation than looking to form a genuine connection with a potential partner. Yet, I take Rahi’s advice and release some of the pressure by leaning into intentionality and focusing on building pleasure in the moment, just like a female orgasm.
It’s time to approach the table, and I am ready to receive. My tolerance for obtaining pleasure has increased dramatically throughout our work together. Initially, I could only tolerate receiving different types of touch and pleasure for ninety minutes, but I am now able to enjoy four hours without feeling exhausted. Due to the extra light shining through the windows, I ask for something to cover my eyes. Rahi brings me a red velvet eye pillow, and I am plunged into darkness.
Slowly, I feel an expansiveness as I energetically open into this larger space compared to my old cocoon. The head spins with thoughts for the first 20 minutes of our session, as usual, and eventually I melt into the table. The momentum is building, and I release all of my control as the pleasure builds up and slowly contracts over and over again. My mind wants to push my body to the finish line.
Go towards the climax.
But my body rebels into its natural rhythm. I am shocked by the awareness that as an intelligent, driven, full-of-potential woman, my entire life has been influenced by the male orgasm. Race to the finish line of the highest climax, rest, and then do it again. Career, relationships, money, and success. All pointing in the direction of male ejaculation.
See below.
No wonder I am burnt out. My entire life is out of my natural, God-given rhythm.
Rahi gives me space for my body to feel deep into my pleasure, and I begin convulsing as he nurtures my K-spot and clitoris at the same time. I exhale with verbal noise in spirals, and there's no clear direction of where my body is taking me; it feels like freedom. My body is leading the way, and I can still feel my mind trying to keep up to find some sense of control.
After about an hour of pelvic stimulation and three hours of touch, my body releases a cry, and I go over the edge into an orgasmic state. Intense pulsations titillate my nerve endings while riding a giant wave that takes its time making its way to shore. More stimulation and continuous ecstasy ensue. I am with myself in pure bliss and relax into the new experience of allowing someone to pleasure me that I am not in a relationship with or require to give anything in return, too. I feel powerful. Rahi, takes his time and cups my lower pelvis to hold the energetic charge. “This is a powerful time for manifestation as you nurture your life force, call in something that you deeply desire”.
I hold my vision, and he asks if I would prefer some privacy. I say “yes” and allow the darkness under the eye pillow to provide a sense of calm as Rahi removes him self from inside me and leaves the living room slowly and with care.
After a few deep breaths, I remove the eye pillow and look out the window. The sky is crystal blue, and the trees are so sharp and in focus that it feels like I am seeing them for the first time.
The sight is breathtaking, and I am in awe.
My mind cannot cope with the overwhelming gratitude my body feels. A few tears ran down my cheeks as I embraced this new milestone with pride. I felt safe enough to release control to a trusted man and go into a multi-orgasmic state. WOW.
As a gust of confidence hit my sails, I felt ready to experiment in the real world.
Broke actors, here I come.